Maybe you’re like me. I thought 2 years ago that my life would be in a completely different spot.
Honestly, if I go back, 5 years ago I envisioned myself working for some cool company and making a lot of money, married – everyday awesome, every dream playing itself out.
My values have changed over these past few years.
I don’t value money and success and perfect health “the classic American dream” at the top of my priorities anymore.
Of course I want to steward my time, finances, and body well, but I guess I don’t find my identity there anymore.
I value good conversation, spiritual and intellectual growth, time freedom, and independence probably the most.
About 2 years ago, I went on a trip with Jesus and made the coolest friends from all over the world. I caught the travel bug. When you’re traveling and experiencing new things, everyday is new and exciting. You spend everyday meeting amazing people, you’re not concerned about meeting deadlines or workload, your mind is at rest.
That 6 months of my life was probably the most stretching and fruitful time I’ve quite possibly ever experienced. It changed all my values and desires.
That fear that I had about leaving a job? Well, I had to leave a job to go, and I did. That reluctance because it’d cost money? Well, I decided it was worth it. The confusion about whether this would be a good idea? Well, I let go and decided to jump in.
Some might say it’s irresponsible – a typical Millennial who doesn’t want to grow up.
Fast forward 2 years. When you’re in your home state, working a job, trying to build the Kingdom in the midst of it, life doesn’t default to something new and exciting. There are real challenges.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve even grown at all. Why do I feel confused now? I thought that I figured this life thing out when I did YWAM?
I rewind and think romantically on my time overseas with the sweetest people I’ve ever had community with.
To be honest though, my memories block out all those moments when I was questioning then too. I didn’t know what God wanted me to do. As everyone else was getting passionate to leave everything and go overseas, I didn’t know if that’s what God wanted me to do.
There were things in front of me, the proverbial Y’s in the road, and I froze.
And if I really get honest, every season has those Y’s.
I’ve wanted to reach a season where everything is clear. Where I’m running on all cylinders and nothing holds me back. You know, where all my dreams are happening.
Oh and of course, when you admit that you’re feeling unclear someone prays for you “God just give him clarity” which you can’t help but feeling like you’re a basket case.
I focus on my unclarity and forget/ignore what God is doing in this moment.
You see, I’m a completely different person than I was 2 years ago.
Yeah, I still battle sin. Yeah, I still have Y’s in the road. Yeah, I still have doubts.
Possibly once a week, I think about if my priorities are in line with what God wants for me. Is this really what the Lord would have me be doing right now? Did I miss the boat because of my actions (or inactions)? Am I not moving fast enough on my dreams?
God is teaching me right now to ask him in every step.
To let go again. To not tie myself up in knots trying to calculate the shortest distance to the ideal life.
God’s doing a good thing right here and now. The songs that I felt God wanted me to write, well I’ve been investing and taking the time to create. Would I want an album completed, yesterday? Yes. But it’s coming together in His timing.
The workplace that I felt the Lord telling me to minister within – He’s provided a workplace where I have the time and space to freely build His Kingdom.
Jesus has been changing my character, the words I say have been changing, my attitude is maturing, the places that I am able to impact are growing.
So in the midst of questioning, I get the 1,000 ft. view and realize…hey, I guess that God is actually doing something in me!
Like the Word says, “He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it.”